


All Risk No Reward

by jayfiend



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-01
Updated: 2014-05-01
Packaged: 2018-01-21 12:44:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1550912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jayfiend/pseuds/jayfiend
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You got one good night without fear and then it was taken away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All Risk No Reward

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own the characters and I do not intend to make a profit off this story. The characters described within belong to their respective creators.

**All Risk No Reward**

Sometimes I wondered if it was all worth it. Was sticking my neck out one more time and taking a chance on things worth all the pain and suffering it caused? Even when things looked like they were going well it didn’t seem like it took much to tip the scales in the other direction.

It was sad that the happiest times in my life so often came along with being hurt.

The figure lying in the bed in the other room was proof of that. Ian hadn't moved all day and the only responses I'd been able to get out of him were mumbles telling me to go away and leave him alone. I wished that I could, but Milkovichs were never good at leaving well enough alone. We always had to get that last stab in, that last twist of the knife. We couldn’t leave things unfinished, up in the air. They tended to come back and bite us in the ass.

So I tried to get him out of bed. Had I wanted to I could have been a real asshole about it by pulling the covers off or dumping water on him. But after last night he didn’t deserve that. And there was something else going on too. It felt like something weird was happening with him that I didn’t understand. At first I thought it was drugs but he’d been off them for days and the longer he’d been off them the stranger he got. Every day was a surprise. He’d go running for hours after work and come back with pictures of the sunrise, buildings, or random shit that he’d seen while he was out. I’d seen so many blurry pictures of things he’d seen while he was out running that it was hard to pretend I was excited to see them anymore.

It wasn't fair. Yesterday he'd been almost normal for the first time since I'd seen him again and he hadn't gone on about all the stupid fucking random shit he'd gotten into his head that he wanted to do. The things that he thought he wanted, that were so fucking important he’d talk to people about them for hours, the things he acted like he’d die without, he usually forgot about them within a couple of hours. It was almost as if they had never been there.

Yesterday he wanted me.

Today he acted like he didn't. And the thought sank like a stone in my heart that maybe he only cared about me when the thought came to him. I was just an after thought otherwise. He only cared that I finally came out and then he was done-now he wanted to learn guitar, backpack across Europe, whatever shit came into his head. It was almost like a cosmic joke. As soon as I was finally able to say who I truly was Ian was taken away. If I still believed in God, I might have asked him where the justice and fairness were in that.

Every risk I'd taken with him seemed to make things worse, not better. Get him to choose me over Kash? Shot by Kash in the thigh. It still hurt sometimes when it was cold out. Finally work up the nerve to kiss him? His hook-up's wife shoots me in the ass. Ask him to stay the night for the first time? Dad comes home early and fucks it all up. Come out to everyone? Dad beats the shit out of me . . . again. And the risks he'd taken for me turned out just as fucked up. Though most of that was all my fault. I'd been scared and stupid and he didn't deserve anything that I'd put him through. It spoke to the messed up nature of our relationship that neither of us ever got very far ahead and when we did we got sucked back down together again.

You got one good night without fear and then it was taken away.

~~~~~~

Last night walking home from the Alibi he started talking about how he’d looked at hostels and flights to Europe and how fucking free he’d be able to be there. He swung his hands through the air tracing out train routes and hiking paths that he wanted to follow. Then he listed off all the landmarks he wanted to see and places he wanted to go. I didn’t really say anything. I was still in shock from what I’d done and I really couldn’t do more than smoke a cigarette and hope that the pain in my tooth went away by the morning. I remembered how mad my dad was and the pure hatred that he had when he looked at me. Nothing I did was going to make my dad accept me. The next time he got out, if he ever got out, he’d probably find me and kill me.

Ian had his arm slung around my shoulder and I let him because it took too much energy to do much else. The world had been spinning and I had no idea if I had a concussion or not. Thankfully there wasn’t anyone else around or I would’ve had to push him away. Old habits die hard. Still I was glad he kept trying to touch me. He hadn’t given up on me as quickly as I had.

He had plans and hopes and dreams and while he never said that he wanted me to go along with him I knew he thought I would. It was obvious how fucked up we’d gotten when we were away from each other and it would be even worse if it happened again. But I couldn’t. I could barely imagine what life would be like living somewhere else here, let alone halfway across the fucking world. And there was Svetlana . . . and the baby. Responsibilities that I didn’t want but I had anyway. She would hunt me down no matter where I went and get her pound of flesh. Still I knew that if he asked me to I would follow him anywhere, do anything for him. I’d always had poor impulse control but it was worst around him.

I’d said he made me free but it wasn’t true freedom. There was always going to be something holding us back. But I’d let him go on talking about it, listening more to his voice than anything he was actually saying. Sometimes his voice was what I had missed most of all.

We were going to go to his house but we wound up at mine instead. Dad wasn’t going to be there and Svetlana could deal with it for once. His house would be full of people asking annoying questions and no fucking privacy. I’d shown enough of myself today.

~~~~~~~~~~

When we’d got to my room, we’d started taking off each other’s clothes, trying to avoid hitting places that still hurt. My shirt was sticky with sweat and dried blood. I had to be careful to move slowly or the room would start to spin and I wasn’t sure if it would ever stop. He wasn’t doing much better. It wasn’t obvious that anything had happened to his ribs but he sucked in a gasp of pain when my hands brushed against them. The tattoo covered up most of it so I wasn’t sure if there would be a bruise or not.

I went into the bathroom afterwards and tried to rinse the blood off of my face. I looked like a crazed serial killer, my face was absolutely covered in blood and I could feel it was all stuck in my hair too. Some of the cuts started to reopen and it started to run down my face. Ian was suddenly behind me pulling the shower curtain open and turning the shower on. Even though I knew it was him I still braced myself for a blow. People sneaking up behind me was a fear of mine. Bad shit had happened often enough that I couldn’t let my guard down.

There was a bottle of vodka next to the sink so I took a swig to try and rinse my mouth out. "FUCK!" I yelled, spitting it out and grabbing onto my cheek. The alcohol burned my gums and the spot where I for sure had chipped a goddamn tooth. Now that the adrenaline had worn off, I couldn’t ignore it. The pain shot up into my cheek and stayed there, pounding away. When I looked down the sink was full of red.

"Come on, get in the shower," Ian said, ignoring my outburst. I wanted to tell him no, I’d wait until he was done. There was something final about sharing things and my mind was still all fucked up from earlier. But he was never big on baby steps with me. It was all or nothing, in or out. He grabbed my arm and made me get in with him. "You can complain about it later." The water was warm and it started to ease the pain that had settled in all through my body. I closed my eyes and let it run over me. He didn’t touch me which I was fine with. I was trying to get things all straight in my mind and I didn’t want it to get messed up with him right then. Just knowing he was there was enough.

When we finally cleaned up enough that we felt somewhat normal he turned off the shower and tossed me a towel. The sink and the tub were spotted with blood, and there was a trail of bloody wet footprints on the floor. I started laughing in spite of myself. "Looks like we fucking murdered someone," I said. He gave me one of his half-assed smiles and nodded at my bedroom. I followed him like it was all my idea.

Svetlana’s shit was still everywhere but it was easy enough to ignore. She could move into Dad’s room now that he was gone again. She was in there half the time anyway. Ian pulled the sheets down and got into bed on the side nearest the window. It only took me a moment to get in next to him after I turned out the light. I wasn’t sure what to do after that. I really didn’t feel like having sex now and from the way he was still holding onto his side I didn’t think he did either. We’d never done anything like this before, just sleeping naked next to each other. When I was staying at his house, it was pretty much clothes on all the time because who the fuck knew when someone might bust in and ruin everything? Here, for right now, we didn’t have to worry about anyone else. The thought was hard to get used to. I didn’t have to hide that we were doing this anymore.

Eventually I fell asleep on my side facing away from him. Before I was all the way asleep I felt him put his arm around me and grab onto mine. I pressed back against him, still not believing that all of this was true. Had I been dreaming this whole time? No, I couldn’t have been. He was there, all flesh and bone, his breath touching the back of my neck and his hand on my wrist. This would turn out okay. It had to.

That day he wanted me.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Today he acted like he didn’t. He didn’t want anyone. And what I wanted more than anything else was to understand why, what had changed? I’d done everything I could think of to help. What Fiona had said about what might have been going on with him hadn’t fully sunk in yet. Going to get help from the Gallaghers had been the last thing I’d wanted to do. Sure they’d been nice and let me crash at their house but I don’t think they understood why or what exactly was going on. They were probably still pissed at me for making Ian want to leave in the first place. And now this. I had to keep telling myself that Ian and I could take care of each other. It was us against the world. Nothing was impossible.

I sat at the kitchen table stabbing my knife into the tabletop in a steady rhythm. Mandy finally came out of her room and stopped me. Her hand was firm over mine on the knife handle. "You know it's not his fault, right?" She wasn’t wearing makeup and the fading bruises stood out against her skin. When she saw me staring she slouched down into herself.

She was really fucking lucky I still had some control over myself. "Yeah, I know," I said finally, slamming the knife in for one last desperate blow. It still felt like it was. It was hard to avoid blaming myself for this. She didn’t need to know that.

"Then maybe you can stop being a dick to yourself about it. Go to sleep Mickey. I can watch him." Go to sleep? How could I when I only had his dead eyes for company? The hardest part was seeing him like this. It was like he had completely shut down.

It wasn't that late, was it? As I looked around I saw that the sun had set and the pile of cigarette butts in the ash tray had grown. Somehow time had passed after Fiona had gone and the sun had set. I should have been tired but I wasn't, a frantic energy kept me going. I had to be ready to jump up at a moment's notice.

Mandy had a sadness behind her eyes that was almost too raw to touch. "What the hell happened to you?" I demanded. We'd always been closer to each other than my older brothers who swung between jail and home. She'd been the only one who consistently visited me when I was in juvie. My dad thought it was a good life experience I had to go through alone and my brothers weren't around. When people messed with her at school I always stuck up for her.

She didn't say anything about what was wrong but I could guess. After work she'd gone to her room and slammed the door. Kenyatta hadn't even looked up. There was only one person who could fuck her up like this.

"What did Lip do to you this time?" I tried to focus my anger on someone else's problems. It made my own seem not so bad.

Mandy grabbed the bottle of beer I'd been drinking and took a swig. "He didn't do anything Mick. I saw him when I was at work. He was all dressed up with some people from his school. They looked like they were having fun." She bit at her lip. I never understood what the fuck she saw in Lip, who was a fucking know it all that always seemed to be able to bullshit his way out of anything. That he'd bullshitted himself out of Mandy, who was fucking really in love with him, for Karen, who barely even looked at him was still a mystery. "He tried to talk to me. See how I was doing." She took the knife and spun it on the table aimlessly. "I didn’t know what to say."

I almost jumped at the chance to think about something else for a while. "‘Fuck you’ wasn’t good enough?"

"I wanted to say it." Her face twisted in a grimace. "He looked so happy though. Like he’d moved on."

"You had to have known it would happen when you applied to colleges for him." That had been stupid too. Why would you help someone you loved leave you? I'd been stupid to let Ian go, but at the time I'd been all fucked up too. As soon as I said it, I regretted it. She didn’t deserve that right now.

Mandy glared at me, tapping on the beer bottle. "That doesn't make it hurt any less." I shrugged. She sighed and reached out and grabbed my hand. I tried to shake her off but she tightened her grip, "You need to sleep, okay? When he wakes up he's going to need you."

I nodded without thinking and started to go to my room. At the door I stopped. The "Stay the Fuck Out" sign suddenly felt like it meant me. I wasn’t welcome anymore. There was no way I could sleep in there with him like this. I couldn't handle being so close to him when he wanted nothing more than for me to go away.

Mandy must have realized that. "You can sleep in my room if you want. Kenyatta's working a night shift. I'll wake you up before he gets back."

"You'll check on Ian?" I tried to keep the neediness out of my voice. Even with Mandy I couldn't let my true feelings show too much.

She rolled her eyes. "Fuck you for thinking I wouldn't," she snapped. Sometimes I forgot she had been Ian’s friend first. I let Mandy box me in and force me into her room. Her bed was made for once and she'd taken care to clean up a little around it. It felt weird that she would do that for me. It wasn’t like my room was in any kind of order. I must have looked a lot worse than I felt.

I'd gone from scared, to angry, to a sort of nervous calm. Would he be up when I woke up? Would something happen during the night?

~~~~~~~~~

Exhaustion won out and I fell into an uneasy sleep. I had no dreams which I liked because usually when I had them they were about Svetlana or my dad murdering me. It was worse when I still shared a bed with Svetlana. Most nights I didn't sleep. It was easy for me to imagine her every movement as the moment when she'd finally decided to kill me. And she moved a lot when she was sleeping.

My mind was stuck on Ian. How long was he going to be like this?

Ian had broken something within me. Now I suddenly wanted to be tender to him, not standoffish. I was all broken edges and rough angles, and the pieces wouldn't fit back together again. I wasn't the hardened asshole I used to be. And the worrying thing was I couldn't get back to that same head space as the old who gives a fuck Mickey of a few days ago.

Ian had done this. And I had let him.

Now he wasn't able to be there in the same way any more and that scared me shitless. I'd gotten rid of most of the things that had protected me and I didn't have anything to replace it with yet. Maybe it had always been there, a wall between me and the rest of the world and Ian had made it crumble to pieces with each scrap of attention he gave me. Visiting me in juvie, waiting for me to get out, getting me a job, and following me around when I didn’t give him any reason to think that I even cared. They all combined to make this somewhat new person that I didn’t really know how to act like yet.

~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up a few hours later. It felt like I hadn’t slept at all. It took a couple minutes to remember where I was and what was going on. The door to my room was open and when I looked inside I saw Mandy sitting in front of Ian on the floor talking to him in a low voice. As soon as she saw me her eyes widened and she looked at the clock by the bed stand. "Shit, Kenyatta's gonna be home in a few minutes," she said. There was fear in her eyes and I knew once we’d figured out what the fuck was going on with Ian we’d have to take care of Kenyatta, one way or another.

"How is he?" That was all that I could handle right now. I rubbed at my eyes to try and wake up faster. It didn’t work, everything still felt like I was half-asleep, hazy and dark.

"I checked on him every hour. He hasn't moved. He's still breathing and everything," she said, heading off the questions that she knew would be next. Her face was still bruised and puffy from Kenyatta's last jealous bitch fit. Some days I wished Ian's attack had been enough to make him leave Mandy for good. She caught me looking at her. "Leave it." So I did. She touched Ian on the shoulder and whispered something more to him before she left.

Ian was still in the same position he'd been in when I left him yesterday. The blanket was carefully placed around his shoulders exactly like Fiona had left it. The sun was coming in from behind the curtains and shining right into his face. It was hard to tell if he was sleeping or awake. Part of me was scared to even ask. Instead I slid onto the bed next to him and touched him on the shoulder where Mandy had. His skin was wet and clammy. "Ian, do you want anything?" I asked, trying to sound just like I usually did. For some reason that was really important.

Nothing. I could have kept pushing but I didn't want to hear him tell me to go away again. I might start thinking it was true. I pushed down hard on my eyes with the heels of my hands and tried to keep the tears inside. It worked, to a point. Instead of being a little bitch and crying about shit that wasn't either of our faults I could handle this on my own. This wasn't running away from a problem. It took longer than it usually did to get back on my feet and moving again.

I went to the kitchen and made some toast and a glass of water. Nothing fancy but I didn't think he'd eat it anyway. There wasn't much else in the kitchen besides beer, vodka, and a carton of eggs that had sat there way too long. Nobody had done any grocery shopping in a long time. If Ian started to eat again I’d go out and buy out the whole fucking grocery store.

I kicked aside the random piles of stuff on the floor by his side of the bed and set the plate and cup down. "You need to eat." I didn't look at his face except in passing. His eyes were open and unfocused. They did not blink. Anger started burning deep down inside and I could have yelled at him, punched him, anything to get a reaction. I didn't. Instead I touched him on the shoulder reassuringly again and left the food on the floor. No reaction. I tried not to run out of the room no matter how much it felt like I wanted to.

Svetlana was standing there when I opened the door. "Jesus, would you stop doing that?" I thought she'd have a screwdriver in her hand but she only had the baby. Her red hair still looked ridiculous. I wasn’t sure if she’d done it because she was scared of losing me or her meal ticket. Fuck knows the reason I was with Ian wasn’t for the color of his hair.

"I am going out. You will watch baby," she commanded, handing him over. I took him awkwardly. I still didn't know how to act around him, the memories of what would have been the night of his conception had I been the father were still fresh in my mind. He gurgled in my arms. "He should be fine. I left milk in refrigerator. Do not call me." All I could do was nod. Most days she wasn't scary but when she wanted to have her way she would, no matter the cost.

I put him down in the crib in the living room and got a bottle of beer out of the fridge. For the most part he was a quiet baby, whatever else I could have said about Svetlana at least she took care of him. I still had no idea how to pronounce his name. And maybe that was something I was going to have to work on. Last thing I needed was some kid blaming me for all of his daddy issues. I had enough of my own.

~~~~~~~~~~

Time went quickly and at the same time it dragged. I’d started off checking on Ian every hour but it was so hard to see him lying there with no change that soon each hour slid into every other. They were all exactly the same. The baby woke up a few times and I took care of him as best I could. It was something to do and something that actually seemed like it was making a difference. Didn’t mean I was going to get all warm and fuzzy toward the kid.

A knock on the door woke me up later. I hadn’t really been sleeping. It had been easier to zone out for a while. The pile of beer bottles on the floor had grown pretty impressive. When I opened the door Fiona was standing there looking nervous. I should have known she’d come by. In the back of my head I was hoping that she wouldn’t start talking about hospitals and shit again. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold out.

"You’re not at the Alibi?" she asked. Maybe I should have gone there to get away from this. Everyone there had treated me like they always had after I came out. Right now my whole world was this house though and it didn’t seem like I could leave it.

"No. Had to stay here and make sure he was okay," I said, putting a cigarette in my mouth but not lighting it. She looked surprised, as if I was supposed to just leave him here by himself. "He hasn’t done anything all day."

She looked like she was going to say something but thought better of it. When I opened the door to my bedroom he was still lying there like he had been before. Fiona went over to him. "I left him some food earlier," I said, my voice trailing off as she picked an empty glass and plate off the floor and showed them to me. Something caught in my throat.

"Looks like he ate it," she said mildly, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Are you feeling any better Ian?" There was no response. I hung back by the door trying not to get my hopes up. It seemed like lately I’d been spending more time looking into my room than actually in it.

Fiona sat there for a while rubbing his shoulder and looking out the window. Even though she said she’d had to deal with this kind of shit before with her mom it was obvious she didn’t really know what to do. After a while the baby started crying. "Fuck." I slammed my hand against the door and headed out to see what the matter was now.

It turned out he needed a diaper change and then after that he was hungry. "Of fucking course," I muttered to myself. Fiona came out while I was busy feeding him his bottle.

"Never thought I’d see you doing that," she said from the doorway. She was leaning against it with both her arms crossed in front of her.

I bit back my first response. "You get anything out of him?" I asked, trying to play it cool. She’d already seen how desperate I was before. I didn’t need her to think I was losing it too.

Fiona shook her head. "No, he wouldn’t even look at me." She took a few hesitant steps toward me. "He should really see a doctor. Maybe they can give him something so he’ll feel better again. More balanced." Her eyes were wide and pleading.

If I hadn’t been holding the baby I would have thrown something. Instead I forced myself to put him down slowly in the crib and try to figure out my options. "And how are we gonna do that? You saw him, he’s not gonna move any time soon and I don’t exactly have a fucking wheelchair to drag his ass down there." If she noticed that I was actually giving the idea of him seeing a doctor a shot she didn’t say anything.

Fiona threw her hands up in the air. "Fine. He’s eating so at least he’s not going to die. If he’s not up tomorrow, we’re taking him to a doctor. He can’t live like this." She stared at me, daring me to challenge her on it. I couldn’t do much more than glare back at her. I didn’t have the energy to fight about it anymore. And I was starting to realize that she was right. Things couldn’t keep going on like this. It wasn’t good for either of us. I watched her leave.

After she left I thought to myself that if he’d eat fucking toast I’d give him so much he couldn’t handle it. I made another plate full of it, not sure what to put on it other than the fake butter that had been in the refrigerator longer than its expiration date. It made a sad pile but I hoped something in it would make him wake up and take an interest. The room was dark when I went back in. The sunlight outlined his semi-conscious body. If he noticed I was there he didn’t show any reaction. I had to hold on to the plate tightly to stop myself flipping out and throwing it at him. "Don’t expect this all the time," I said as I put it on the floor in front of him. He had his eyes closed and maybe was able to get some sleep.

Part of me hadn’t believed Fiona when she’d held up the empty plate earlier. She could have been trying to make me feel better and had dumped the toast on the floor. I didn’t see anything like that. The sheets by his hands had crumbs on them. At that point I was clutching at anything I could to show that he was alright. If he was eating it couldn’t be that bad?

~~~~~~~~~~

When Svetlana got back home later she smelled like alcohol and smoke. Her hair was messed up and her clothes all wrinkled and hastily put back on. I didn’t bother asking her where she’d been. In the end it really didn’t matter. She ran over to the crib as fast as she could. "You fed baby?" The baby made what I thought were happy sounds as she held it close to her breast.

"Yeah, I fed the baby. What the fuck do you take me for?" I snapped.

She looked at my room. The door was still closed. "How is orange-haired boy?" she asked.

I took a deep drag on my cigarette. "The same. He did eat something today though." My eyes were burning again but I sure as fuck wasn’t going to let her see. Maybe I could pretend it was from the smoke.

She almost looked sad. If there was one thing I really didn’t want right now it was her pity. Some part of me blamed her for this whole shitfest. If I hadn’t been forced to marry her Ian wouldn’t have had to leave and maybe all this wouldn’t have happened. The thought was nice but I knew it wasn’t true. If anyone could be blamed for any part of it of course it was me, it would always be me. If I’d been braver, if I hadn’t pushed him away, if I hadn’t beaten him up, maybe all of this wouldn’t have happened.

"I’m gonna be in there with him for a while," I told her. She nodded, taking the baby with her into the kitchen.

It took me most of a cigarette to work up the courage to open the door. Anything could be on the other side. The thing that scared me most was a body that hadn’t moved. My hand shook as I tried to take the door handle. I had to take a few deep breaths before opening the door and going inside.

I closed it behind me and wondered if I should turn on the light. I decided against it. He’d moved a little, the blanket was higher up around his shoulders. I tried not to get my hopes up. The mattress shifted when I got into the bed. If he noticed or cared he didn’t let it show. When I looked over his shoulder at the floor it looked like he might have eaten something. My stomach was growling but I didn’t feel like eating anything.

I wound up sitting next to him in bed smoking. As I sat there next to him I slowly moved my hand until it was touching his back. I kept it there until my cigarette was little more than ashes. He didn’t say or do anything so I left it there. It was the closest I’d been able to get to him in days. My mouth was dry and my lips cracked when I opened them. "It’s going to be okay. We’re going to get through this," I whispered, as much to me as it was to him. If he heard he didn’t let it show.

I knew I should have said something more to him but I wasn’t sure what would get through. I’d been trying to reach him the only ways I knew how and being an asshole or being nice didn’t seem like it made much of a difference to him. Maybe being quiet would work. For a while it seemed like it did. He didn’t push me away and he didn’t ask me to leave him alone. I could touch him again, even if it was just a small part.

I don’t know how long we stayed like that. It could have been hours or minutes. I inched my hand up closer to him until it was resting fully on his back. I didn’t dare do any more. This was fine for now. This had to be enough. At this point I couldn’t take hearing him tell me to go away again.

As I sat there watching him sleep I had a lot of time to think. I realized that I was almost terrified by the thought of him leaving me. I’d do almost anything to get him to stay. All he had to do was ask and I’d suck him off or bend over for him. I hadn’t known how much I was going to miss him until he had left, taking all hope and happiness away with him. He didn’t need me as much as I needed him. He could find guys wherever he went and he wasn’t as careful as he should have been. He needed someone to help him sort things out. I was slowly coming to discover that person wasn’t me. I’d done everything I could think of to get him to get out of bed and nothing had worked. Ian probably needed to talk to someone else, someone who could help him figure out what he really wanted in life. He couldn’t spend the rest of it in bed.

Suddenly I understood why Mandy had filled out the college applications for Lip even though she knew it might take him away.

Right now I didn’t think I could ever find someone who made me feel the way Ian did. I’d never be able to find someone else who would be able to put up with all my shit. What scared me was I knew he could find someone better.

~~~~~~~

Mandy poked her head around the door later. She was wearing her waitress uniform, she must have just gotten off work or was leaving to go to work. I had no idea what time or day it was. Somehow that didn’t matter so much right now. "Mickey?" she whispered.

I fished in my pocket for a cigarette. "Yeah?" She opened the door enough so she could get in and then closed it behind her. It almost felt like Ian was something we had to protect from the world outside. He didn’t give any sign that he noticed that she was here. His skin was still warm beneath my hand.

"How long have you been in here?" I couldn’t really see her face and she was all wrapped up in herself, her arms crossed and slouching.

"Couple of hours maybe. Since Svetlana got home," I paused, inhaling deeply on my cigarette. "I got him to eat something." My voice cracked. Fuck. I tried to cover it up with coughing. If she bought it or not she didn’t say.

"That’s good," she said quietly.

She was tiptoeing around the bed to take a look at him. Once she was satisfied he was still breathing she looked at me. If I hadn’t wanted Svetlana’s pity I sure as fuck didn’t want hers. But it looked like that was what I was gonna get. It was taking longer and longer to put that wall up that pushed everyone away.

"Did you eat anything?" She could have been a real nag about it if she really wanted to. Instead she was acting like she was talking to a wounded animal. If she kept this up I might really break.

I tried to remember. The last time I’d had anything was at the Alibi a few days ago. I couldn’t remember anything since. "No. I’m not hungry." If I was going to eat I’d have to move and I couldn’t leave right now, not when he was letting me touch him.

Mandy rolled her eyes. "You’re not very good at this, are you?"

"Not good at what?" I was too tired to follow what she was saying.

She sat down on the bed next to me. "Taking care of other people." What the fuck was she talking about?

"And you’re the expert?"

She snorted. "Yeah, that’s what I meant asshole." For whatever reason she wouldn’t look at me, she kept on looking over at him. "You’re not supposed to make yourself sick taking care of him."

"I’m not hungry, okay?! Why do you give a shit all of a sudden?"

"Because you’re getting to be almost as bad as him! You’ve been moping around here the past couple of days acting like the world’s going to end." I couldn’t really say anything to that. Mandy was right. Maybe I’d been punishing myself for something that I thought was my fault. She sat there and stared at me for a while as if she was trying to figure out what I was thinking. Finally she got up and brushed off her uniform. "I’ll make you something, ok? You have to promise to eat it."

"Fine, whatever," I said. If it would make her happy I’d eat something.

After she left and closed the door I found myself taking my hand off Ian’s back and pushing down hard on my eyes. I hated this anxious feeling of not really knowing what to do but trying to get through it anyway.

I saw some movement out of the corner of my eye. Ian was slowly moving, turning over to face me. His hand grabbed mine and held on. I froze. I didn’t want to say anything because I wasn’t sure if it would snap him out of it and make him roll back over. His eyes were only half open and he wasn’t looking at me. "Ian?" I asked. No response but he hadn’t let go of my hand. "Fuck Ian, just say something. I promise I’ll leave you alone." My voice sounded so pathetic.

"You need to eat." That voice that I’d missed so much was tired and sleepy. His eyes focused and he looked at up me. He was still holding something back and it was obvious he wasn’t his old self but I’d take what I could get at this point.

"Now I’ve got two of you ganging up on me? Jesus." I let myself laugh. "I’ll eat if you get your ass out of bed." He was already putting his head back on the pillow as if he was going to go to sleep again. I poked him in the side. "Come on, get up. We need to get out of the house," I said.

He nodded and slowly started to get up and dress himself in the random clothes I found on the floor. Some of them were mine, some were his, they all managed to fit together somehow. He put on his winter coat and it hung on him differently than it had before. After I saw him all dressed I was almost able to see what he’d been like before. I didn’t have to force myself to smile at him and let him know it was all right. He gave me a small smile back. It wasn’t perfect but it was what we had.

He moved slower too, as if he was carrying something heavy that made each step a struggle. I watched him move trying to see the old Ian in him. He only showed through in pieces, you had to know where to look. When he got to the door he turned and looked at me. "Aren’t you coming?"

~~~~~~~~~

Mandy was in the kitchen when we came out of my room. She tried not to let her surprise show when she saw that Ian was up. I gave her a warning look to make sure she didn’t say anything. "I made you a sandwich," she said, tossing it in a paper bag and handing it to me. I took it gratefully, my stomach was starting to growl again. "Do you want one too?" she asked Ian.

He shook his head. "I’m not really that hungry."

"We’re going out for a while," I said. She shrugged and then nodded that I should talk to her off to the side in the hallway by the bathroom. Ian was still standing in the kitchen looking like he didn’t know how he’d gotten there.

"You better think real carefully about what you’re gonna talk about with him," she whispered, her voice still loud enough that he could probably hear it if he wanted. She was glaring at me and I knew that if I fucked this up I was gonna be the one run over in the middle of the street. Ian was more important to both of us than we’d ever admit.

"Fuck Mandy what do you think I’m gonna say to him?" She punched me in the arm. "We’re just going for a walk. I’m not gonna let him go anywhere, ok?"

Ian was still standing in the kitchen looking lost. I grabbed his arm and pulled him toward the front door before he had a chance to complain about it. "Bye Mandy," he said joylessly. She waved at him sadly.

~~~~~~~~

It was colder outside than I’d remembered. I should have brought a scarf. Everything was covered in grey snow and dirty brown slush. Every once in a while I’d step into a puddle and splash icy water up my legs. I smoked to try to keep warm. Ian wasn’t walking very fast so I matched his speed. He shuffled along like an old man, holding him arm at his side. If anything hurt too much he didn’t make it obvious. He didn’t say anything so I didn’t either. I let him lead the way. We wandered down main streets and alleys with no obvious goal in mind. Though for all I knew he was taking us somewhere that only he knew about.

Finally we came to an abandoned park that might have been nice once but now was full of dead weeds and broken playground equipment. He sat down on one of the benches like he couldn’t keep going anymore. I waited a moment and then sat down next to him, but still with a space between us. We didn’t say anything to each other. The empty hole in my stomach was getting hard to ignore so I opened up the paper bag Mandy had given me. The sandwich Mandy had made was peanut butter spread thickly between two slices of stale bread. I broke it in half and held out part of it to Ian. "Do you want some?" I asked.

Ian shook his head. "No, I’m full. Someone left me a bunch of toast." For a brief moment he looked at me and smiled the way he used to. "Did you really think you’d get me out of bed with that?"

"Fuck you! I didn’t want you to starve to death." We shared an embarrassed smile. I bit down on the sandwich and it nearly took out the other chunk of my broken tooth. "Shit!" I hissed, putting my hand on my cheek. The pain started throbbing through my skull. It took a couple seconds to pass and I figured I’d have to remember to chew on the other side for a while.

He ignored it, probably guessing that I didn’t want him fussing over me. If he would have touched me right now I would have brushed him off, no matter how much I wanted him to. "How long has it been?"

"A few days. I’m not really sure." After eating a few more bites I put the sandwich back in the bag and put it on the ground. My stomach had stopped growling, that was the main thing.

"Fiona come to visit?"

I rubbed at my eyes. "Yeah...they all came by to see how you were doing. You don’t remember any of that?" I did. I remembered pacing back and forth in the living room hoping that one of them would be able to get through to him. I remembered worrying that they were going to take him away and I’d never see him again.

Ian shook his head. "I remember feeling like there was a big weight on top of me and there wasn’t anything I could do to get out from under it. And feeling that there were so many things pulling at me that I couldn’t do anything without ruining something else. I’ve fucked so many things up already. I just wanted to be alone." He said it all without any emotion.

"Yeah, I know." The words came out harsher than I wanted them to. I really didn’t want to get into this right now. Each time he said he wanted to be left alone it was like he was rejecting me, like he hated me. Even though I knew that wasn’t true. Mandy’s warning to not get him upset was replaying itself in my mind. I took the opportunity to light a cigarette and distract myself.

"I still don’t feel like myself. Even getting up and walking out here felt like a struggle." He hung his head as if that weight he was talking about had come back.

I tried to pretend I didn’t notice. "Do you want to go back then?" My voice sounded a lot more normal than I felt. Now that he was out of bed I didn’t want him to go right back to it.

"No, I like this." Ian slowly slid down the bench until he was closer to me. He put his hand down on the bench between us. I stared at it for a long time daring myself to take it. I couldn’t help but take a few glances around to see if anyone was watching. No one else was stupid enough to come outside today. The wind was too cold and once you stopped moving it caught up with you all at once. I reached out with a few fingers and then grabbed on to his hand. I closed my eyes hoping he wouldn’t let go. Instead he held back, squeezing hard for a second to let me know he was there. When I opened them again he was smiling faintly at me.

This was a nice change from the past couple of days. I could almost pretend things were back to normal. I’d never been much for hand holding or touching but when there were days of nothing at all I’d take whatever I could get. Still there was the nagging feeling in the back of my mind that all of this was going to go to hell again. Somehow I was going to fuck this up.

We sat like that for a while even though we both were freezing and it was probably a really dumb idea. There wasn’t anywhere else to go though. If we went back to my house he would go back to bed and never come out, if we went to the Gallagher house they’d for sure start talking about stuff he might not be ready for yet, and if we went to the Alibi everyone would be really fucking nosy. Here was right for now. It would have to do.

"I heard what Fiona was talking about," Ian said finally. "About me maybe having what Monica does." Instantly I froze, not sure what to say next. He reached over and took my cigarette, inhaling deeply even though it made him cough.

"I thought the door was closed,"I said. If he heard that what else was he going to start talking about?

"You weren’t exactly quiet about what you thought about it." He smiled and shook his head at me.

"I didn’t want them to take you away." The words stuck in my throat and it was all I could do to spit them out. I definitely couldn’t look at him. Even though some things had changed it didn’t mean everything was going to get easier.

"I didn’t want to go away. Thanks for making sure I didn’t." He squeezed my hand tighter. Something warm was moving in my chest and I felt lighter. It wasn’t as easy to hide those feelings away. The hand he wasn’t holding clenched into a fist. I didn’t know how to deal with this. "But maybe she had a point."

Now I really couldn’t look at him. If I did he might go away again, further away than I could reach. "About what?"

"Seeing a doctor." Something twisted in my stomach and I felt like I was going to vomit. Even though I knew what Ian was saying was true I didn’t want to admit it. "You haven’t seen my mom. You didn’t see what my mom did when she was messed up." He grabbed my face and forced me to look at him. "I don’t want to put anyone through that."

"What if...?" Everything that could possibly happen started to play out in my mind. He could get better, he could get worse and try to kill himself, they could lock him away forever, it all swirled together in a mess of shit.

"What if what? I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me." There was no doubt in his voice.

That got a laugh out of me. "Shouldn’t I be the one saying that?" For so long everyone had acted like I was the anchor dragging him down to my level. It was hard to think about me being the strong one.

Ian laughed with me. Not the fake laugh that he’d come back with, but one that sounded almost normal. "Yeah, I guess you’re right." He stared at me calmly. "It’s going to be okay Mickey. We’re going to get through this."

Maybe that was a risk I could take.


End file.
